Rust Monster Farming

[Aelar sleeps and dreams. In his dreams, the events of the past few days seep into his mind and invade his thoughts. He finds himself in a town square, where a few street merchants are selling their wares and services. An older merchant takes the stage at the center of the square and begins to speak ... ]

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Merchant: In these times of strife, we often see "adventurers" stopping by our towns and villages as they make their way to explore some ruins or caverns. We all know what it means when they talk into our lives: trouble. We see the path of death and destruction that they leave behind them.

(Villagers whisper to each other and nod their heads in agreement.)

Merchant: Or at least, that's what most of us see. But not me. Would you like to know what I see?

(Puzzled looks throughout the crowd)

Merchant: Opportunity.

(Crowd starts to take an interest)

Merchant: Yes, we can get back much more than they've destroyed through battles in our villages, bars, inns, and homes. And it's all thanks to my friend Rusty here.

(Points to a rust monster, restrained in a makeshift wooden cage)

Merchant: Rusty and I are here today to introduce you to the Exciting World of Rust Monster Farming!!!

(Murmuring throughout the crowd)

Merchant (holding up book): Thanks to this book retrieved from the Siege World -- "The Secrets of Rust Monster Farming" -- you too can benefit from owning and breeding these fine creatures.

Rusty (woefully): Mrrwahhhhhhhh!!

(Merchant picks up a stick and pokes at Rusty several times)

Merchant (to Rusty): Quiet, you! Here. (throws Rusty some bolts)

Rusty (chewing): Nam-nam-nam-nam-nam--

Merchant (turning back to the crowd): So what opportunities do we have with these "adventurers"? Simple -- in four words: "Madjek Ree Zid You Em!"

(Crowd exchanges puzzled looks)

Merchant: See, often, during their explorations, they find magical items of little or no use to them. We offer to take these items, feed them to our rust monsters, and have them regurgitate this Madjek Ree Zid You Em back out.

And we'll do this for a fee -- a thousand gold pieces. Adventurers would be more than willing to pay this price! They normally get only a fifth of what a magical item is worth, if they were to sell the item.

(Nods of understanding in the crowd)

Merchant: But don't take my word for it. Why don't you listen to some of these satisfied Rust Monster Owners and Breeders?

(A middle-aged man walks up on the stage. The merchant introduces him as a former innkeeper.)

Former Innkeeper: Hi. I used to run an inn in a town not far from here. Then, one day, I rented some rooms to a party of adventurers who came into town. The next thing I knew, some assassins burnt down my inn in an attempt to kill the adventurers, and the assassins started shooting arrows at everyone from the building across the street.

I was left with nothing and also had some arrows stuck in my leg.

(Many in the crowd shake their heads.)

Former Innkeeper: I thought that all was lost until I learned the joys of Rust Monster Farming.

Why, just the other day, an adventurer came into town complaining about the bow that he had found during a campaign. Apparently, it could only shoot powerful arrows if he was underwater in a chariot after dark while adjacent to two enemies and critically wounded a third one that was a larger creature.

I was able to convert that bow into "Madjek Ree Zid You Em" that he could use to create a better bow. And he gave me fifteen hundred gold pieces for my services!

(Gasps of astonishment in the crowd.)

Merchant: Thank you for your story. Let's talk with another man who used to tend a bar along the Salt Coast.

(Another middle-aged man walks up on stage)

Former Bartender: Hi. I used to tend a bar in a small quiet village. Although the Owl's men had terrorized most of the larger cities, they had left our village alone, save for a few scouts.

(Nods of acknowledgment from the crowd, many of whom have firsthand experience will oppression under the Owl)

Former Bartender: Then one day a group of travelers came to my bar and wanted to kill the Owl's men. I tried to dissuade them but they were insistent and ended up killing the group of scouts.

The Owl later put our village under marshal law and taxed me into bankruptcy.

("Curse those travelers!" someone in the crowd shouts.)

Former Bartender: I thought I would never recover from this. But then I was introduced to the Exciting World of Rust Monster Farming. Now, when I see adventurers approach, I greet them happily with the knowledge that they will end up paying me more in gold than I could ever have hoped to earn at the bar!

Yesterday, I made two thousand gold pieces by converting a sword that could only make its wielder move 5 feet if it was used to make the killing blow against an undead creature that had the initiative to strike first in the battle.

(Cheers from the crowd.)

Merchant: Thank you, thank you. We have one more story to tell. The sad story of a guide.

(A pale man shambles up the stairs. Flies surround him, and the merchant covers his nose from the stench.)

Former Guide: Hello... I was once a guide... who worked for the Mad Mage... My only companions were his gnolls... One day, I led a group of heroes to the Mad Mage's lair... I was only going to kill them... I couldn't help it... I was compelled to...

But then they discovered my plans... attacked me... tied me up... and then, while I was tied up... they stabbed me and they killed me...

(Gasps from the crowd.)

Former Guide: The gnolls found my body... and... bless their hearts... They brought me back to life...

But... I think they used the wrong spell or ritual... Because I really don't feel that well... and I have this ... growing hunger ... for... braaaaaaiiiiiins....

(Former Guide's ear detaches and falls to the ground.)

Former Guide: I thought my days as a ladies man was over... and then I discovered the wonders of Rust Monster Farming...

Now I am rich and popular...

(Former Guide's nose detaches and falls off.)

Former Guide: Rust Monster Farming has proven quite lucrative to me... I am seeking to expand my tiny shop... I am looking for the best and the brightest...

(Former Guide's jaw starts to unlock.)

Former Guide: ... braaaaaaaiiiins to eat... ...braaaaaiiiins... ...braaaaaaiiins...

(Former Guide's jaw falls to the ground.)

Former Guide: Rahhh rahh rahh rahhh rahh... Rahhh rahh rah rahhh rahh--

Merchant: Yes, yes, thank you, thank you. (pushes the Former Guide offstage)

Former Bartender (muttering to himself): Hmm, maybe I should have kept that sword.

Merchant: Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your time today. I'll be here for the rest of the week.

I hope you'll take some time to meet with me and join the RMOBA: the Rust Monster Owners and Breeders Association.

(Crowd applauds)

Merchant: Just imagine the joy of waking up every morning to Rust Monsters!

Rusty: Mrwahhhh! Mrwahhhhh! Mrwahhhhhh!

Merchant (poking his stick at Rusty): Will you shut up?!? Damned Rust Monster.